There are daffodils blooming in my front yard.

It doesn't feel like spring. It feels like winter. It feels like things have to be dead so they aren't alive, because if they're alive they get inside me and they make me hurt.

Melodrama melodrama melodrama, but it's true, it's what came into my head so I wrote it down.

Sometimes I think I liked it more when I overreacted to everything and didn't even know I was doing it. Something good would happen, and I would be all exuberant and dance around. Something bad would happen, and I would cry and feel terrible. Now I'm just stuck. Stuck in the middle with you, like the song. The only thing I really know is that I'm being reactive. I feel like my emotions aren't my own, like they're completely being dictated by what Curtis says, and I don't want that. And I'm sure he doesn't want or intend that. So, to reprise what I'm sure is the phrase I've written most often here and in emails in the past few days: I don't know what to do.

If a friend has a problem, I talk to them about it. I try to listen and be patient and ask all the right questions. And I can help because I can put myself in the background. I can just be quiet and reasonable and let the other person talk. And I want to do that now, with Curtis, but I don't trust myself to be quiet and reasonable. I think I'll probably be sad and hurt and extremely bad at hiding it.

I wanted to call him last night, before I went to bed, but I was afraid. I thought about it on and off for hours. I would get distracted -- Than and John and I went to the bank and the grocery store, and that took awhile, and then Emily called -- but the thought would always come back. I wanted to talk to him. He hasn't wanted to call me, he says. I've heard that before. I hate when things make me think of Jeff, because that was a situation where I didn't know what to do, and now I don't know what to do again. Everything I do is wrong? I don't know. If I could maybe I'd just curl up here and wait and let him figure things out. I know I can't do that.

Aagh, I hate this. I just got out of bed and already I'm sitting here with tears half-caught in my throat, but they won't come, and they won't go away, and I have tons of work I have to get done today, and I just don't have time for this. I just want to make it go away for a little while so I can get things done, and I don't know how to do that.

And I am not overreacting.

I'm just going to go get in the shower and see what happens... hot water can take away a lot.