I am a very, very bad procrastinator.

Brenden is a smart guy. I talked to him. I'm glad I did. Housemates are good for something besides being slovenly and loud and fighting over the TV. Brenden always does his dishes, at least. And he's very, very honest.

I feel like an Alanis Morissette lyric. Now if that isn't sad, I don't know what is. It's full speed, baby, in the wrong direction. I don't think I have the energy to turn myself around.

Oh well. I've indulged myself enough for one night. I think I write more in this diary when I should be writing a paper than any other time. And I end every entry with "Okay, now I'm really going to go write my paper," or some such thing.

But I am. I have a choice. I am starting the paper. I am going to write a first draft, and it is going to be skeletal and it is going to suck, but it is going to serve as a very good outline. And then I'm going to get in bed and try to sleep. Or maybe not. I'll lie in the dark, anyway, and I won't push my brain and I'll see where it goes. And then in the morning, I'll get up and I'm going to turn my shitty first draft (thank you, Anne Lamott and Ernest Hemingway) into a damn good paper.

That is the plan.

The bigger version of the plan is an experiment. I don't know how well it will work and I don't know how well I'll be able to execute it. But the plan is not to second-guess myself. I'll need a trial period... a week, maybe. Three days. Trust myself. Let what wants to come out come out; let myself do what I want to do. Let my body make its own decisions. No self-denial, no martyrdom, no censorship. Honesty.

Basically, that was Brenden's advice. Not in so many words. But it's good advice.

I used to believe in myself. Somewhere, I still do. It's just buried under so many layers of doubt and guilt and anger that it's hard to access. So right now, I have to believe that I believe in myself.

And if you think I'm babbling on and on and being far too self-indulgent, hit the goddamn back button on your browser and pretend none of this ever happened. It's my right to say it and yours to choose whether to listen.