If this has to happen, I don't want it to happen this way.

I feel like I did, almost six years ago now, asking everyone I knew if they'd seen him, finally taping a little melodramatic note to his door and going home, and then trying for weeks to decide whether to give up, what it all meant.

That time, it wasn't too bad. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but I had a second choice lined right up. Curtis disappeared on me, but I had Dan.

I'm not afraid of being alone. What is there to be afraid of? I'm just a little sad, mostly numb, and I wish he'd hurry up and kill this little bit of hope I have if it's going to have to die. I don't want to think about it. There's nothing I can think about that I can get my head around. Just a big tangle of possibilities, of questions. I would have called him last night if John hadn't been on the phone. Maybe it's for the best. I wanted to ask how his day was. I'm used to hearing those things. I don't like sleeping without having some idea what he's doing, what he's been thinking. But I always do too much. I beg and plead and make myself as vulnerable as I could possibly be. I am very bad at giving up.

The worst part is that maybe all this is just happening in my head.

Miserere mei.