You could say I have a lot to do today. All I'm really doing right now, though, is trying to get my eyes to quit watering and looking out the front window at all the green. The new leaves are coming out, finally. It's been a late spring this year. The city's returning to its proper state: forest. The trees are still dripping from last night's thunderstorm. I had to sleep with a blanket last night: the yellow blanket and the sheet. I'm thinking of Beth Orton's "I Wish I Never Saw the Sunshine" and Elliott Smith's "Waltz #2" ("never gonna know you know, but I'm gonna love you anyhow"). Somehow I don't think we're having Emerson and Thoreau class outside this afternoon. Highs only in the mid-60s today. No shorts for me. This weather, waking up this way, to cloudy skies and remnants of rain and the smell of wet dirt and the constant sound of birds, reminds me of summer camp when I was a little kid. I'd wake up and that was all I thought about. That and breakfast. But I just did what they told me, whatever activities were scheduled. I used to like sweeping out the cabin and making all the beds, making sure all the clothes were folded. I don't think, in five years of camp, I ever had a canteen that didn't leak. I know that in five years of camp I was never homesick. The only time I ever wanted to come home was when I was a counselor. I was too young to be a counselor. I was supposed to control kids I'd gone to camp with. I cared too much about whether they liked me. I was always worried about screwing up and looking dumb. These things happen when you're thirteen. I got to see behind the curtain... suddenly I knew what went on to create the camp's mystique, and I wasn't ready to know all that. It just made me sad. That was my second year at CTY, the year I was a counselor at my old camp. I still wanted mystique. I still wanted to be a... well, I didn't want to be a kid. But I didn't want to be in charge. And I'm wondering, will it be different this time? If they do hire me to be a TA at CTY, is it just going to be more of the same, nervousness and angling for approval? I certainly don't think so, but I can't pretend it hasn't crossed my mind. I think I've changed quite a bit between the ages of thirteen and twenty. But my interview's tomorrow morning, and so of course all these doubts are crisscrossing my mind. So I'll do what I tend to do when my brain starts to get too full: take a shower, get dressed, get on with my life. Try to take things one at a time.