Can I make a confession? I think I need to. This is weighing heavy on my mind.

I'm just waiting for Curtis to come back from Mayfest. He hasn't even gotten on the plane yet and I want him to be back home. It's so completely selfish and stupid of me; I feel horrible. But he'll be with all these people I don't know and I just feel... unimportant. Like he's going to ignore me while he's there... like he won't even think about me. Which I know isn't true. Gahhh.

The truth of it is that I just keep hearing, in my head, that one sentence he said to me that night on the phone. "I really don't know what's going to happen with April at Mayfest," he said. And then later: "I just feel like I would regret it if I never kissed her." Which I understand... I really, really do. And it shouldn't bother me. But it does, and it's not Curtis's fault. It's me being unfair, projecting things that happened with Jeff onto Curtis. It keeps making me think of the time, right after Jeff and I broke up, when he came up to visit me at my parents' house and we went all over DC to our old favorite places... Dupont Circle and everywhere... and I bought my beautiful watch and he kissed me over and over and everything felt better than ever. And then he said he couldn't spend the night in my parents' guest room because he had to go home, his ex-girlfriend Melissa was visiting. A few days later he told me what had happened with her. She had wanted him to have sex with her, but he wouldn't because he still felt attached to me. But they did lots of other stuff. He wouldn't tell me what exactly... he said I didn't want to know.

And I know... I know that this is not the same at all. But I'm remembering all the times I've felt out of control... all the guilty emails and phone calls I've gotten after the fact, from Jeff but also from Matt. "It just happened," they said. "I'm sorry."

I'm being unfair. And insecure. And I hate it. Maybe just writing about it will make it go away.