I had weird dreams. One of them involved Curtis telling me he was going to go to the Mary Chapin Carpenter show, which is really interesting considering that (a) said show happened last weekend, (b) in the dream both of us were in Charlottesville, and (c) I don't even know whether Curtis knows who Mary Chapin Carpenter is, and if he did, I'm not sure he'd want to go see a concert of hers. Especially considering how expensive the concert was.

There was sunshine streaming in through the living room window when I came in here about half an hour ago. So nice to see sunshine. I haven't been outside in days, which is partly my own fault, but mostly the weather's fault (it's been raining). It's so pretty here. Like always.

We had some minor drama with a spider last night. It was a pretty big spider, with a body about the size of a nickel, not including legs. It was behind Curtis's computer. Because I couldn't see it well enough to discern what kind of spider it was, I decided not to use my old Girl Scout Camp tactic of picking it up by the leg and taking it outside. Curtis got me a teacup and a piece of a Morningstar Farms box, and I trapped the spider between them and dropped it outside the door. I kept thinking of that Ani DiFranco line, "I killed a cockroach so big it left a puddle of pus on my wall." This spider would have if Curtis had killed it.

Hmm... the next line of that song is "You know, when you and I are lying in bed, you don't seem so tall." Which is true.

I could have been doing a flu study right now and getting paid $1500. I mentioned that to my dad last month when I heard about it, and he said, "You spend ten days locked in a motel room... what, getting the flu? That sounds like absolute hell." Which it does. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were kept inside for ten days. I think being alone for ten days wouldn't be anywhere near as bad as being kept from going outdoors. I might have done the study if I didn't have anything planned and if the room was going to have big windows that they would let me open. If I couldn't get fresh air I would go nuts.

I wonder if they'd even have let me do the study if I'd wanted to. So many of the University Hospital's medical studies stipulate "no medications except birth control." Oh well.

$1500 for ten days' work is a lot of money, though. Especially when the work isn't really work. And especially for me... I've never made more than $10 an hour for anything.

It looks pretty likely that I'll be offered a job in Charlottesville this summer, which will make a lot of people happy. Mike will be happy. Anne will be happy. Emily will be happy. I think even I will be happy. I think I mostly want to stay in Charlottesville for the summer, but I'm not sure. If I'm working at the Blake Archive or otherwise doing cool techie English-major stuff, I think that will be really good. And undoubtedly the pay will be better than working at the radio station... because everything pays better than working at the radio station. And if the University jobs my housemates have had in the past are any indication, I should be able to take time off whenever I want to, so I can come out here and visit. I just hope the job pans out. John and Andrea are supposed to get back to me within a few days with more information. I'm only a little bit antsy.

I have to go home the day after tomorrow. Which almost certainly means I'll have to take a cab to the airport at 5 a.m., which will be expensive. I don't mind, really, at all... I haven't spent any money to speak of since I've been here, and I have the cash to cover it. I know Curtis thinks I'm silly, though, for making reservations for a flight that leaves at 6:49 a.m. It's Priceline's fault. I saved him about $60 on plane tickets... maybe in the future I'll just stick to Travelocity. I like knowing when I'm going to fly and what seat I'm going to have (Priceline doesn't let you pick seats). Control freak, that's me. No point in denying it.

I won't be happy to leave, but I'm glad for what this visit has been. It's so funny how people's chemistry can be so entirely different on different visits. Like how Emily and I just didn't click at all when she came to visit me in October, but then a couple of weeks later she was back and everything was terrific. I wonder if that's a product of having a lot of depressive friends, or if that's just the way everybody works. Mike always teases me about my mood swings.

I need to find out stuff about Emily's graduation. When I'll need to be there. How I'm getting there. I've avoided working out logistics of this coming weekend so far, and I'm going to have to do it soon. Bleh. Logistics.

Something I said to Curtis last night. Pain... I don't get to have that anymore. I've given it up. Because he wanted me to and because my therapist said it was part of being healthy. If I went back to it now, it wouldn't feel right, I know it. Still. I can't help... this is going to sound really odd... envying people who get to hurt themselves. It's a hard line to draw. I've liked pain as long as I can remember. Now it's just something I can't have by myself. Like how I gave up drinking alone, last year, when I knew it was bad for me. The things we do in the name of health.

I can always tell, looking at my writing, when something is an emotionally charged topic, or when something confuses me. The sentences come out all choppy and have no rhythm to them whatsoever. It's funny the things you notice when you keep a diary.

Hmm... another dream-bit I just remembered involved walking down the street while drinking diluted cranberry juice cocktail through a straw. I had assumed that, since cranberry juice cocktail is heavier than water, the drink would get more concentrated as I drank it, but in fact it got more watery. I remember wondering in the dream if that was because, by virtue of the straw, I was drinking the juice from the bottom up. What a weird kid I am. I'm also extremely juice- or fruit-dependent. I've been known to walk twenty minutes out of my way to spend $3 on a bottle of fresh-squeezed orange juice, when I get a serious citrus craving. That's why I keep grapefruit juice in my house. Lots of vitamin C and not many calories and it's acidic enough to satisfy me. Yum.

I guess I should quit writing and go do something, but I don't really know what. I have no ambition.